New Soundtrack to Victory

The Mavericks and the Lakers had 90-seconds to break the 100-point tie when Los Angeles called a time-out, the Staples Center public address system promptly filling the stadium with the distinctive riff that introduces "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns and Roses.

Apparently, the faux-menace of Axl Rose's "You know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby, and you're gonna die" was intended to announce the Maverick's impending doom, though I sensed two flaws with that method of sonic intimidation: First, everyone in my age bracket remembers the MTV video for the song, which featured Axl in an ill-fitting Liberace-white leather pantsuit (Or was that the video where his lifeless locks were teased and sprayed to look like Lindsey Lohan after she inserted a dinner fork into an electrical outlet?) Second, the same song is played at every other NBA venue in America, even at Miami Heat games, whose threat-level this year resides somewhere between that of Bob Newhart and Scooby Doo's Shaggy.

There are a million rock songs available for broadcast, so why does every venue in America feel obligated to keep Appetite for Destruction (the G&R album that spawned the song) in constant rotation? In such contexts, the song is as overplayed as Queen's "We Will Rock You", yet even lacks the engaging stomp-stomp-clap that at least makes the Queen song an interactive experience.

In case the ubiquity of that song is due to a lack of time to research replacements, I have compiled a new list of game-ending anthems whose lyrics are perfectly appropriate for a down-to-the-wire scenario like the one described above:

Here I Come (The Roots): The music is more powerful than anything G&R ever did, and when 16,000 people are swaggering along with the band chanting, “You better come out with your hands up, we got you surrounded...You boys get ready, Cause here I come”, opposing teams will be ignoring their coach's urgent instruction as they scan the arena and think, “Shit, I'm not sure I want to see what happens when this crowd's team loses.”

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want (The Smiths): True, Johnny Marr is no Slash (and vice versa), but Morrissey's poignant lyric is the perfect accompaniment to the final minute of a game where the underdog home team is inexplicably ahead with under two minutes to go.

Even the Losers (Tom Petty): Hearing “Welcome to the Jungle” play at a Minnesota Timberwolves game sounds as incongruent as hearing American Idol's Sanjaya say, “I'm gonna kick your #&%@ ass.” But this song, featuring Petty's heartfelt defiance of probability, "Baby, even the losers get lucky sometimes", might actually cause the visiting team to pause: “Damn, it's true, losers do get lucky sometimes---is tonight one of those nights?”

Excuse Me While I Break My Own Heart (Whiskeytown): I grew up a Red Sox fan, and was thus ingrained with the expectation that my team would find a way to lose before the opponent found a way to win. (I witnessed Bill Buckner's infamous flub in real-time, and while it felt like a stab in the heart, we all sensed one knife or another was coming, we simply didn't know who would wield it.) I've been a Portland Trailblazer fan for the last dozen years, and there have been a few years in that decade-plus when my training as a Red Sox fan came in handy. Sure, this song is unlikely to inspire fist-pumping, but sometimes, what's needed isn't dubious inspiration but a reality check, an opportunity to prepare for the inevitable. Ryan Adams' fabulous song would be the perfect antidote to inappropriate optimism.

I'll be watching, and hopefully, venues across America will heed my advice, because let's face it, there's been nothing junglesque about the Key Arena when the Sonics have played home games this year. (But Seattle fans take heart, championship droughts rarely last longer than 86 years.)(Except for Cubs fans.)