A Few Words about Urban Pestilence

We regularly see our friend Jimbo when we visit Powell's, our encounters especially fun for Sage because he sometimes gives her wonderful used books like Audubon guides, insect identifiers, or titles like the one featured here, Peterson's First Guide to Urban Wildlife. I admit, I would have figured an urban wildlife book to be about 10 pages long, featuring the usual suspects of urban living: Squirrels, raccoons, opossums, pigeons, frogs, and the gamut of mice-like creatures of various sizes.

However, this urban guide is surprisingly comprehensive in its documentation of (and definition of) "urban wildlife", and it affords me the opportunity to comment on a few of the urban pests that have been annoying me lately. I know, it's in vogue to be kind to animals, save their habitat, blah blah blah, but let's face it, some of these beasts are simply rude, and we should cease the political correctness and call a rose a rose.Here are just three of them:


The Moon Jellyfish
I admit, I am partially responsible for my conflict with the urban jellyfish---I guess I'm a country boy at heart, because I just never think to watch for a dessert-plate-sized gelatinous mass of creepiness standing in line in front of me at Peet's Coffee. Yes, I stepped on it (and apologized profusely) but that didn't give the jellyfish the right to berate me in front of the whole coffeeshop---contrary to his (her?) opinion, I'm not a self-centered and arrogant human and I do not wear "clown shoes"; I just didn't notice the two-inch high pile of translucent goo in the bean line. Maybe if they rode Segways or soaked themselves in kool-aid before going out they could avoid these uncomfortable situations.


The Turkey Vulture
I liked turkey vultures at first---Sage and I would go to Laurelthirst Park on Sunday mornings and toss them bread crusts, chunks of meatloaf, even the occasional moon jellyfish. (Surprise.) But the thing you need to know about turkey vultures is that they are very much like drunk humans: You can be sitting there laughing, having a great time, and suddenly something changes and the happy is over---and you're stuck with a belligerent bastard who refuses to listens to logic. We were at the park one morning, eight or so of these birds gleefully chomping down on our leftover Panang Peanut chicken (I know, a bit gross to feed bird to a bird, but I just tell them it's frog), and as is inevitable, we ran out. I showed them the empty take-out container, clearly miming the universal signals for "no more food...all...gone", and the greedy bastards suddenly swarmed over our pet pug Masher and devoured him before I could intervene. Sure, everybody's got to eat, but consider the consequences: Now every time Sage sees a bird, she asks, "Dad, is that bird going to eat our new dog?"
"No honey, that's a pigeon. Pigeons aren't assholes."


The Humpback Whale
I don't mean to sound xenophobic, but when are we going to wake up to the problem of humpback immigration? I have nothing against any of them personally, but have you ever ridden public transportation with an urban humpback? Let me tell you how it goes: Rush hour, crowded bus, and the only empty seat is next to some sprawling whale who knows you want to sit down, but refuses to move until you ask, "Can you move that---um, flippery thing so I can sit?" Then, without fail, they launch into some whine about how they used to have lots of space, but humans ruined the ocean so now they have to live in some cramped studio apartment, missing their pods, blah blah blah. I usually offer some half-assed apology, just to shut up their high-pitched bitching (hello?! You sound like a hearing aid feeding back), but frankly, I'm tired of their righteousness. I didn't invent pollution, I didn't locate cow pastures on the banks of rivers, and I shouldn't be blamed for this supposed krill shortage. (Which I suspect is a myth, since I've never heard anyone except a humpback complain about it.)

There are a few other urban creatures in the book that I'd like to gripe about (don't even get me started on lobsters), but I'm afraid if I list more, I'm going to sound unreasonable.