You'll like this

2/9/08

We all have our pet peeves about particular words and phrases, biases and baggage that color our impressions of a situation. (It's not just me, is it? Maybe your dander rises when you hear "my bad" in place of an actual apology, or the inexplicable "I could care less" where "I couldn't care less" is appropriate?) One of the phrases that makes me uncomfortable is any recommendation (for a book, a movie, a restaurant, whatever) accompanied by the phrase, "You'll like this." There's tremendous presumption in those three little words.

The phrase isn't always offensive: Some folks have earned my trust in this regard. Several of my musical friends understand the music I appreciate and when they tell me about a band that they think I'll like, they're usually right; they've even intervened (bless their hearts) when they've heard someone else say to me, "I think you'd like them" about some sludgy, atonal outfit that would surely make me cringe. (While I like a wide array of music, my cringe muscles are regularly exercised.)

But other times, from other people, I've had recommendations that, when investigated, left me scratching my head, pondering what that person sees in me that makes them think I would like the item in question. Is it merely a matter of not knowing my likes and dislikes, or if they have made assumptions about me that indicate a fundamental misunderstanding between us? (Or do they add "You'll like this" to every recommendation they make as a means of piquing the listener's interest?)

Of course, sometimes such misunderstandings are understandable: If I attend a metal show to support a friend playing in one of the bands, and I see a someone I know in the audience, then it's logical for them to estimate that I like metal music. Based on this encounter, their recommending another metal band wouldn't seem like a stretch, especially a band that sounds like the acts on that evening's bill. However, with such recommendations I inevitably wish the phrasing was, "I recommend (x), I really like them" rather than, "I recommend (x), you'd really like them." It seems more respectful to not assume we can predict another's preferences.

My most convoluted experience with this phrase came at a dinner party with my wife's coworkers. I knew these folks with the familiarity that most people have with their partner's coworkers (read: very little), and when conversation eventually turned to a book of essays by Barbara Kingsolver, the hostess' eyes darted to me as she uttered, "YOU'D really like this book." I was quite put off by the statement, as she didn't know me well enough to accurately predict my tastes, especially considering her tastes were quite different than my own. I told her I'd investigate, though in truth, I mentally blacklisted the book. A foolish bias, but I vainly consider myself at least complex enough that I can't be pigeonholed before dinner is served. (By dessert, sure, you'll know all there is to know---but during appetizers I'm still mysterious.)

Years later, I encountered that recommended book---Kingsolver's essays were thoughtful, humorous, insightful, and I grudgingly admitted to myself that, yes, I did like this book. So was that original recommendation an astute assessment of my personality that lead to an accurate "you'll like this", or was it a presumptive guess that by sheer coincidence hit the mark?

I'll never know---though I wish she had said "I recommend it, I really liked this book": I'd have discovered Barbara Kingsolver ten years sooner.