2/2/08
Unfortunately, I'm not a religious scholar. If I were to appear on "Holy Jeopardy", I'd do fine with the Roman Catholic column, and maybe the $100 and $200 question under Buddhism, but I'd go into the negative if I buzzed in on anything under Judaism, Islam, Hinduism or the "Creepy Fringe Sects" category. Thus, I'm occasionally baffled by a question of faith or a comment with an obscure religious reference. For instance, in the catholic church, what are those communion wafers made of? I know it's meant to simulate the body of Christ, but they seem to more accurately simulate the flavor of Styrofoam. Would it be a less-symbolic ritual if they baked them to taste like Wheat Thins?
But the question that's on my mind today involves suicide bombers in the Middle East (the global region, not the club in Boston by the same name) who are assured that they will be greeted in the afterlife by 72 virgins. I'm not making a comment on the religion itself (no, no no---I learned a thing or two from Salman Rushdie's A&E Biography special), but I don't get the whole "virgin" thing. I understand why a person might want to marry a virgin (it's easier to seem like the best roller coaster in the county if your fiancee has never been on any other rides), but 72 of them?
Think of it this way: Imagine that the afterlife featured the opportunity to play baseball all day, every day, and you got to have 72 players on your team. Would you want 72 people who had never thrown a ball before, 72 people who hold the bat hands-apart like it's a hockey stick? I certainly wouldn't. Maybe a handful of newbies would be nice so I'd get the pleasure of teaching them the game and watching them realize the joys of baseball, but with the other 67, I'd want some players. And not just 67 with the same skills---I'd want some fielders who can shag a ball, a bullpen of pitchers with an array of curves and sliders, some long-ball hitters along with a few who can lay down a bunt, and even a few folks who aren't all-stars but who are fun to have on the bench cracking jokes and cheering for the folks on the field. Granted, I don't want legends who have played so long that they're jaded about the game, but a six-dozen-rookies roster seems like it would take most of the fun out of baseball, constantly having to coach them through every play. Now and then I'd just want to sit back and watch the team play without having to be totally hands on, maybe shoot the shit with the bench warmers.
And what about the female suicide bombers---I assume it would be an eternity of awkwardness if a woman blew up a marketplace and awakened to find herself surrounded by 72 virgin woman who ruefully inform her, "Sorry, nobody brought a bat." So I'm guessing the women get treated to 72 virgin males, yes? Also awkward, since most women have barely enough patience to tolerate the fumbling overeagerness of even one virgin male, let alone a tour bus full of them.
And another thing---maybe this is more physics quandary than religious inquiry, but where is the afterlife getting all these virgins? On earth, the male/female ratio is pretty close to 1-to-1 no matter where you travel, but 72-to-1? How do they supply a full staff of virgins for a particularly busy week of the Jihad? I imagine some over-caffeinated afterlife receiving clerk with a clipboard full of dog-eared papers and a harried look on his face blustering to his staff, "Dammit, I hate this time of year. Look, just give each of the new guys 24 virgins each, but make sure they're hot---show the girls a baseball video before you deliver them---maybe the martyrs will be distracted enough by the 24 that they won't immediately do the arithmetic."
So many questions---I really should have paid closer attention at catechism. Of course, back then, I wasn't thinking about anything except baseball.
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